#1 – learn to swim 

Like most things there is another side to the coin. Lists are not always good; in fact some lists can damage your perception and mess with your head. Starting from the beginning though – with the good lists . . . At a very young age, I was in charge. I was in charge of myself and my brother (5 years younger) and honestly I didn’t mind, because I didn’t really know better. It seemed kind of natural to be bossy and in charge. Of course not too many seven-year-olds are prepared to raise a two-year-old. This is probably why my brother never really developed his coping skills. My parents were way too young to have children. I’m not sure my mother ever got there and though my dad did finally reached an acceptable maturity level when I was in my early teens, it was too late. Dad and I created a new relationship and bond, but I had been in charge too long to go back. When you are in a situation like that you adapt and I did it with lists. All kinds of lists. Some were never put on paper and those are the dangerous lists.

I wasn’t ever officially diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, but I suspected and as an adult my doctor agrees.  These lists helped me untangle the web in my head and contribute successfully or at least adequately. For me, it can best be described as having literally hundreds of thoughts at one time with the important ones being no louder than the mundane. I used to try to do something the moment I thought of it and before I was finished I would have thought of something else needing my attention and move on with the full intent to come back (sometimes I did). Eventually I learned to empty my thoughts onto paper and take things one at a time. I still do this, but not in a very organized way. I have about 6 regularly used notebooks, a grocery list on the fridge, several to-do notepads in a drawer and two list apps on my phone. I’m sure a consolidation is in order. Either way, it’s safe to say, my ADD helped me learn to organize (or try) my thoughts into lists. Good lists.

 About seven years ago, I was a having huge argument with my live in boyfriend (now husband) and it seemed to me we were going break up any day because we squabbled regularly – almost daily – and I was sure it was because he was a jerk (sometimes he was and still can be). I have no memory of the actual fight, but he had stormed off down our street and I had sobbed my way to my computer to look for a way to fix him on the Internet.

I was sure we were codependent and I thought I knew what that word meant. I thought it meant we were addicted to each other even though we were awful for each other. The Internet was pissing me off. It wasn’t finding a way to fix my boyfriend. Then I found a survey about codependence and I started answering the questions. At first I felt like quite a martyr answering “yes” to questions like: Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else? Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role? If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?

Then something happened. I was still answering yes to questions like: Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives? Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems? Do you keep mental lists of “good deeds and favors”, becoming very hurt when they are not repaid? And there is it – bad lists. As I sat there crying and reading, the more I read the more I realized I was right about one thing; I was co-dependent. I made bad lists. I kept a score on everything. Every visit or phone call by one of my parents was a tick mark on a list representing who cares more. Every compliment from my boyfriend was erased by each negative comment or by things he didn’t do for me. My whole life was a giant scorecard.

It was a pivotal moment in my life to recognize these bad lists and all the other things my research turned up. Before I could begin to repair things, I had to acknowledge first why I had become this begrudging caretaker in the first place and to do that I had to visit some bad places.

In simple terms, a codependent personality is born out of the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. And for the majority of my life from age 7-13 (with little gaps of sanity at my dad’s house) and sporadically until I bailed at 17, I was in charge. In charge of myself. In charge of my little brother. And in charge of my alcoholic mother. There were many bad situations she put me in that ended, not surprisingly, bad. I poured her into bed numerous times. Some of these were after sitting in the bar watching her drink all night and then driving her home before I was old enough to drive (then going to school in the morning and sleeping at my desk).

Most holidays ended with disaster. Like on November 28^th, 1985, when my twelfth birthday just happened to fall on Thanksgiving. As with most holidays, the day started with Mom sleeping late and waking in a decent mood. She doting a little about my birthday and the amazing feast she was going to make us (me, little brother, and her Spanish speaking husband from the restaurant where she worked). We had little money and all four of us lived in a tiny one bedroom, I didn’t expect too much, mostly her cooking and her attention. I spent some time with my Aunt Diane, who lived next door, and she gave me this super gaudy, huge owl necklace that was made out of brass hinged layers. She likely got it from the goodwill where she worked, but I didn’t care – I loved it. It was too big for me and it covered half my upper torso and I wore it proudly like an Oscar attendee would show off their jewelry or maybe more like a medieval knight in his chainmail.

When I arrived back home I could smell the turkey right away; my mother is an amazing cook. As I made my way the short distance to the kitchen, I began to recognize the signs: sleeping step-dad on the couch with a glass in his hand, empty bottle on the end-table, slurring speech as my mom sang along with the blaring music. When she saw me, she smiled and said, “check this shit out, it’s almost ready,” as she pulled open the oven and reached in with her bare hands. The alcohol slowed her reflexes and she didn’t release the pan until she was a full foot away from the oven. Turkey and stuffing went in one direction and she fell backwards the other direction smashing into me  and ripping my owl armor off, sending it in pieces all over the kitchen. I spent the rest of the day tending her wounds and tucking her in, salvaging some of the meal for my little brother and trying to fix my necklace.

I don’t tell these stories much, I guess because I’m embarrassed and I don’t like people to feel sorry for me, but it’s important to my point. Where did the bad lists come from? The coping skills I developed to deal with my mom created really bad habits for dealing with the rest of mankind. I usually surrounded myself with broken people and tried to fix them. Especially boys. The worst of which was an 18-month abusive relationship with a guy who had more problems then I could have ever helped, but I was convinced I had to try. I was sure that was love. In fact, not giving up on someone was what I thought love was. Finally late one night I drove bleeding and barefoot to my best friend’s house only to discover she wasn’t home. Her sleepy mom brought me in, calmed me down and cleaned up some of my wounds. She gave me a responsible talk that mothers give their daughters (it was new to me) and offered me some solutions including a room to stay for a few months. I’m sure I gave her all kinds of good check marks on my scorecard.

After I revisited the breadcrumb path on which I had collected all these habits, I was able to recognize that no matter what kind of jerk my boyfriend might be I had bigger problems and I could only fix myself. It was hard to let go of some of these habits. Being codependent isn’t always bad. In fact, codependents are probably the hardest working employees you can have. I was promoted in every job I ever had. People love to give more responsibility to codependents, because they can take it all. As a boss, I even looked for some of the signs when I hired people. That’s bad, I know. 

I had to make some serious changes and the biggest thing was giving up lists. Lists were what I knew. They had held me together my whole life. Luckily I only had to give up the bad lists. My scorekeeper records had to be deleted. If I helped a friend move twice, I could not allow myself to think they “owed” me. If I didn’t have time to help someone who had helped me in the past, I had to say “no” and let it go. I had to realize that everything didn’t have to be even. There was a lot of work I had to do beyond lists, but that is probably the habit that tries to inch it’s way back in the most.

My husband (who is not a jerk afterall) and I often talk about “the other side of the coin”. The things we love most about each other are usually also the things that can bug us. He is so passionate about the things he loves that it can ooze from his every pore and infect everyone with his great mood and humor, but he is also passionate about the things he hates. And that can be ugly. The habits our kids have that can drive us nuts might actually be their biggest strengths as an adult. I like to hope that when Emily is an adult, her stubbornness will translate to an unwillingness to bend her values and beliefs. When I reflect on my own habits and personality, it’s hard to ignore my ambivalent affair with lists. These days, I stick with the good lists – they seem to bring out the best of me.

Nothing is more grating than the sound of my voice played back on any recording device. I usually comfort myself with the notion that through some high tech trickery my voice has been altered and in reality I sound like a slightly Texan version of Kathleen Turner. I call this process self-acceptance through delusion and it works for me. The last several weeks have been spent transcribing numerous interviews I conducted for a column I write and it’s been horrible and intriguing at the same time. My interviewing mistakes are undeniable and the sad thing is, I know better. Between the copious amounts of journalism classes (even in my teenage summers) to the time I spent working my way up the ladder of a prestigious market research company, and even from being the only person who did the hiring interviews for LSM the first six years, I really do know better.

Being able to conduct a quality interview can be helpful far beyond journalism. Even a computer programmer needs to be able to ask the right questions and find out what his end users need, but usually that is impossible, and they have to hire an interpreter (an interviewer). I have decided to list out some things that I have found to be important to the interviewing process. Some are my strengths, but I have also included my weaknesses. I listed these mostly as related to journalism (specifics are music related in my examples), but I feel like this translates to many situations. If you take nothing else from this, the main thing you need to learn is how to listen.

Choose an objective then be flexible with it – You know the reason you are interviewing this person. They are either the subject of the story or an expert on it. When you come up with your questions consider what your initial direction is and if the interview takes you somewhere else, be prepared to dump your questions.
Example: When writing about co-writing I thought I would be writing about friendships and instruction and found out there was an actual obligation for some writers to co-write. I had to change all my questions before I interviewed further.

Do your homework – Research the person you are interviewing. You should know at least the basics of their bio or they will be insulted that you have not done your homework.
Example: If you ask someone what CDs they have recorded, they will know you haven’t researched them. They will likely “check out” and not take you seriously.

Prepare – Have your questions and voice recorder ready.
Example: I knew I would be getting a call at some point in a 2-hour period for an interview. I hopped in my car to run a quick errand and the call came. I had to wing it and write notes on the back of my mail. Also – test the recorder and check the battery level.

Schedule smartly – Make sure you have ample time set aside.
Example: Don’t try to interview Bob Dylan ten minutes before you have to pick up your kids.

Do not use your questions as a script (listen and probe)  – You should only prepare a few questions and they should be open ended. Avoid “yes” and “no” questions. Your questions should serve as a tool to get an interview going or keep it on track, but more specific questions will come from the answers. If you concentrate too hard on the questions you have prepared, you might not be focusing on the answers and this will hinder you ability to probe further. Try to find a question directly related to the answer you were given or simply ask for more.
Example: If someone gives you a brief answer there is probably more. Say things like “why is that?” or “can you tell me anymore about that?” or even “I see” and continue to do this until the answer is truly revealed.
(note: This is really a personal interview style choice. I know people who lay out the entire interview as a script and are still successful)

Find confidence –An initial reaction when interviewing is to feel that the person you are interviewing is “put out” to give you an interview and you might shy away from questions. Remember that you are likely interviewing about something they are an expert on. Most people enjoy talking about the things they love.

Be direct – If you know exactly what you’re after, you can tell them.
Example: If you only need a quote on their feelings about smoking in bars, then tell them that.

Avoid clichés, but still ask the obvious when you need to: Some questions are so overdone. Try to avoid asking those, but that doesn’t mean you have to make all the questions complex or deep.
Example: asking an artist who they are influenced by is way overdone, but if you notice that they seem to be influenced by a specific person you could ask about that.

Allow awkward silence – If there is a pause the interviewee could be reflecting. Hold off on your instincts to fill the silence for comfort sake. Usually they will add to the point or give more information even if it is to fill the silence themselves.

Don’t interject yourself or validate the answers – It is human nature to give your opinions in a conversation or to let someone know when you agree with them. Try not to do this as it might derail the interview or skew the answers.
Example: I am the worst at this. When you completely get what the interviewee is saying it is hard not to tell your own story to relate or to say something like “You are so right!” – but you shouldn’t do this. It can get the interview way off track and you might influence their future answers. People can’t help seeking approval and they could answer differently in hopes of again seeking your approval. Weird, huh?

Save hard questions for the end or go back to unanswered questions – People are usually more comfortable toward the end of the interview. Sometimes I find if I add one more question at the end, that is the true winner. Try it. It’s also a good time to clarify or re-ask a question that might not have been answered fully.

Contact Info: When you complete the interview and thank them for their time, also ask if you can get a phone number or email address for possible follow up questions. Sometimes fact checking can be so much easier when you can go directly to the source.

Transcribe Quickly: Transcribing is the worst. If you do it right away, then you will remember things and it will go by faster without as much rewinding and stopping. A friend of mine told me I should count on 3 minutes of transcribing for each minute of interviewing – this is something else to keep in mind if you are only interviewing to get one quote.

Even if I could afford to pay someone to transcribe for me, I don’t know that I could live with another person hearing my recorded voice make so many obvious blunders. For that reason I will continue to transcribe my own extra long interviews and try to learn from my mistakes. I guess that means my goal is to be good enough that one day, I won’t be ashamed to pay someone to transcribe for me!

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The explanation: I learned about 10 on 10 from Alysha Gray  (in January via Twitter, see my other 10 on 10’s) and believe it was started by Rebekah.  As Rebekah says “take a photo once an hour for ten consecutive hours on the tenth of each month. document a snapshot of your life and find beauty among the ordinary things of your day.”
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Jack likes making videos and watching them

Gracie keeping watch from upstairs

Little boxes

Cell phone pic - Loving Monkey's bike leash. We try to go for a ride everyday.

Picked up the cake from Jessicakes - combined we have a lot of kids!

Jessica made a yummy chocolate rasberry cake with less than one day notice. She rocks.

I have put this fortune in the trash 3 times. It has found it's way out 3 times.

MWD reading the letters the kids wrote to Rachel Robinson. We learned about Jackie Robinson (#42) all week and they told him all about it as part of his birthday. He was touched (and impressed).

Noah took this. Me & my Jack-a-doo

balloons + mexican buffet = gross

Happy Birthday, MWD!

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You Capture – Shapes

circles

ovals

squares

teardrops

triangles

more ovals

more circles

hearts and squares

circles, squares, rectangles and more!

You can solve the problem of photography background noise in two easy steps:

#1 – Pay Attention To Detail.

#2 – Move Yourself.

I’m a voyeur. Looking at pictures is one of my favorite things to do and I don’t even have to know the people in them. Sometimes I spend hours hopping from site to site looking at photos that catch my eye. Most of the photos I’m intrigued by are ordinary snapshots from everyday life. But, I also have a really annoying habit of ruining a perfectly good picture by noticing the background. I think that before I notice the subject, I notice the pile of unwashed dishes or the giant dump truck in the background of a photo and immediately it is tainted in my eye.

I am not a professional, but I feel like the fact that I take an average of 175 pictures a week (really), mostly for recreation, gives me some self proclaimed right to give little bits of advice. Background noise doesn’t bother everyone, but it bothers me – so here I go.

#1 – Pay Attention to Detail
This advice works in all areas of your life, but in photography it is key. It’s much more simple that you think. When you look through the viewfinder, try to notice EVERYTHING. Not only your subject, but anything that will show up in your shot.

#2 – Move Yourself
I think sometimes people are worried they will ruin the moment by asking their subject to move or reposition themselves and sometimes that is true. But, you can almost always move yourself and still avoid the background mess. Even if it is just a matter of zooming in closer to your subject.

To give some examples I headed out the door this afternoon with 2/3 of my kids and our pooch. It was a yucky cloudy day and none of these are great shots, but I think this might help illustrate my point. I took one picture with a distracting background and then leaving my subject in the same spot, I moved myself and took another crack at it.

Power Lines

We started out walk by an intersection with a zillion power lines. Even out of focus they are a distraction.

By simply standing a little taller and moving myself to the right, most of the lines are taken out. Normally I would threaten my children to look happier, but this was an experiment, so I cut her some slack.

Signs

Even though this sign is kind of fitting for my kids, it is a distraction.

By moving (myself) to the left, I avoided the background noise. I consider the fence and post both fine as they are an element of the photo.

Construction

The park by our house has been "under construction" since before we moved. Doesn't look close to finished either. Not a nice background.

Stepping closer to my little moster and changing my angle eliminates the distraction (unless patchy grass distracts you - I think Hank Hill would shudder).

 Construction Fence

Orange Fence = BAD! And the fence post looks like an antenna coming from her head.

I stepped closer and changed my angle and way less distraction (more patchy grass).

 Trash Cans

Trash Can - Oh how I hate a trash can background. Seething.

I moved to the other side of the table and it's all better.

 More Construction

That damn orange fence!

I'll take houses over orange construction fence any day!