I currently suffer from pill guilt and the only cure is facing reality. About 6 weeks ago, I started my son on a medication for ADHD called Vyvanse. It was a troubling verdict for me, since I have been judging and whispering under my breath about parents who do this for years. It’s true. I have friends and family members that I have thought negatively about for putting their kids on meds. The statement I have used most is that I think it is lame when parents medicate their kids so they won’t have to deal with them. And I still feel that this happens, but I see now that generally speaking I was wrong.

Over the years, I really couldn’t find information that matched up with our situation. I’m sure that is because most situations are unique on some level. Most people who read my blog probably won’t have much interest in this, but I am going to explain our situation a little to possibly help someone else who might have a similar situation and looking for input.

Going back, way back, Noah was a sweet and easy baby. His Dad and I use to joke (and still do) that he was perfectly average. Every doctor appointment was right in the middle of where kids were supposed to be. We were divorced when Noah was only one, but we communicate well and keep Noah’s best interest in mind. We share custody and live close. We have each remarried and we all get along just fine (which shocks most people for some reason). When Noah was about 3 he started have some behavior issues. He would act aggressively to other kids and occasionally throw giant tantrums to the point that I would just have to hold him tight until he settled down. Much of the time he was fine, but these little flare up were consistent until kindergarten. I excused this as being side effects from the asthma and allergy medications he was constantly on. He mostly outgrew the allergies in time for school. From the beginning he had a hard time with school except for reading. Noah loved to be read to. He could sit calm and patiently through long stories even with no pictures.

Noah is an interesting, inquisitive, sweet loving child. Those things were sometimes muddled down with the constant need to be told what he should be doing. He really had no initiative or direction. In some ways it probably confused the issue for him and us that we have another kiddo the same age. Technically Emily is my stepdaughter, but she has called me Mama Clair since she was two and she is one of my babies (like with Noah’s Dad, we are close with Emily’s Mom and share custody). Emily is in many ways the perfect child. Good grades, good attitude. We have always tried not to compare, but sometimes it is just unavoidable.

Over the years as the homework got harder Noah had to drop out of his extra curricular activities. There was no more guitar lessons or soccer, since he couldn’t keep up with the homework. And I’m sure it seemed unfair to him since Emily would come home and do all her homework (with no prodding) in less than an hour, while he was at the kitchen table all night with me constantly reminding him what he was supposed to be working on. It was frustrating for us all. I didn’t feel it was a learning disability (didn’t match up with the symptoms) so I looked into ADD or ADHD. He had some signs (easily distracted, cannot stay on task), but if I really stayed on top of him for every second I was able to keep these things in check even if both he and I (and all around us) were miserable. Over the years we developed systems and rules to keep Noah in check (behavior and school work) and most people didn’t realize there were issues. He had friends as well, so there didn’t seem to be social issues. I used to give him direction 5 minutes at a time with a kitchen timer, which helped for a few years. Also limiting his workspace distractions and keeping an eye on what kind of food he ate helped some. I was in constant touch with his teachers on what assignments were missing or never made it in. We had a contract that his stepmom came up with that seemed to help with behavior for a while. All four parents met with him and we all signed it and sent a copy to his teachers. We really tried everything. By the end of 4^th grade the situation had hit a wall. He did end up with A’s and B’s, but it seemed disingenuous since everyone else had to make sure the work was done. Thank goodness for summer vacation.

Through all of this I remained adamant that I was not going to medicate my child. I was sure that his sweet energetic personality would be quashed and he would become a little drone that did homework as he drooled out the corner of his mouth. Noah was so bright when it came to reading that it didn’t make sense. He was possibly the best reader in his grade constantly devouring chapter books before most of his classmates (including sister) looked beyond picture books. My husband and Noah’s Dad both seemed to agree with me, so no medication.

Then we started 5^th grade. The first three weeks of school were hectic. We moved to a new home and sold a business and had so many distractions in our grown up lives that I was not able to stay vigilant in giving Noah the attention I usually did and his grades plummeted. We tried to pick things back up again, but it was awful. There were tears from beginning of homework time until bed. I very clearly remember the breaking point for both of us. Emily and little brother Jack had already gone to bed and there I was with Noah sitting at the table at 9:30pm trying to get him to finish up a five-hour homework session. I felt so bad for him, he looked drained, depressed and despondent. He had tried all his usual tactics for getting out of homework. Lying to me about what was due (doesn’t work when sister has the same homework), throwing a fit about how stupid it is and mostly crying because he doesn’t understand the math problems. He eventually finished it up and I added a note to make a doctor appointment to my calendar for the next day.

We went a few days later and I told his Doctor I wasn’t interested in medication, but wanted to know her thoughts. She slowly and methodically asked both Noah and I questions about what kind of problems he was having. Some things that I didn’t even think were related like “does he have a hard time remembering things?” (oh hell yeah – he’s been in charge of the trash for 3 years and still can’t remember what day to take it out). After a long conversation she said that it did sound like he had ADD symptoms, but she understood that I didn’t want medication. All the alternatives she mentioned were things I had tried on my own. She never pushed her agenda. But for some reason I went ahead and asked her to explain the medication to me.

She told me that she could put him on a very low dose of a medication that would be out of his system the same day. So if the effects were not good he could quit the meds and they would not linger. This was not the kind of medicine that you have to be weaned off of, so that was another plus. Noah could skip days if he wanted and it wouldn’t hurt anything. She answered about 50 of my questions and then we both asked Noah what he thought. He was thrilled at the idea that a medication could help him. He explained to her that he just couldn’t stop thinking about other things when he should be listening to his teacher or me. I let him decide and he wanted to try it so bad I couldn’t say no.

After clearing things with his Dad, we filled the prescription, informed the teachers and nurse and sat back to see what happened. It. Was. Amazing. Within 2 days he was done with his homework at the same time as Emily. He does some of his work at school during downtime, so he won’t have as much homework. His handwriting is significantly better for some reason. I still remind him of some things, but it seems much more reasonable now. At one month we adjusted the medication because it was wearing off at 2pm and now he is good until after homework. He says that all the extra noise in his head is gone and he can pay attention to what is going on.

But his personality is what freaks me out the most. It’s the opposite of what I thought. We have the best conversations now that he can articulate his thoughts. And his creative side has been unleashed. For example a few weekend back he asked me to add all my Beatles CDs to his Ipod. I told him I would, but I didn’t want him to disappear for the day. He put on his headphones and got to work at the table drawing a picture of a yellow submarine and sat there for almost 2 hours focusing on the details of his artwork. He drew every little bolt. It was a remarkable drawing. Usually he bored after a few strokes and moved on to something else. It reminded me of the art from a Wes Anderson movie.

I don’t know if this will last. I keep an eye on his weight (his appetite is lower, but he still eats plenty) and his moods (mostly good) for any change. He has always had a hard time sleeping (like his Mom) and that is another side effect I keep an eye on. The doctor told us that we may need to adjust it over time to other things, but it is obviously what he needed.

Looking back now, I guess I thought an ADD child was running in circles and slapping himself in the face. Life isn’t always that obvious. I really had a great debate with myself over many years about the good and evil of medicating kids. I feel like I tried everything else, but the reality is that my kid needs medicine to help his true personality come out. With the right support from our doctor and even the extra attention and encouragement from Noah’s teachers, this was the right choice for him. I am working on being OK with that, so I can make sure that he is too. I love him with or without this medicine, but now I enjoy him even more.

 Tonight we played a game of chess and he was interested until the end. Noah will probably beat me one day. For now we are appreciating the fact that we can add some extras back into our lives and enjoy each other’s company.

Noah Drawing from 11/21/09

Noah enjoying some solitude

A drawing Noah did early in the year

My Noah!